Sometimes I think that the black bile will overwhelm me, fill me up to my eyeballs with anger and despair, anger at those in power that have not accepted the true responsibility to those they serve, and despair at being so utterly powerless to affect the change that I feel this world so desperately needs.
Here I am with this stinking goo leaking out of me, affecting those around me, venom poisoning relationships, attitudes, positive change, weighing down, hanging in the air with its foul putrefying odor.
I was speaking to my dear old friend Courtney the other day, and she said, "It's just that the complete powerlessness... I mean, the Bush administration just makes me feel so... powerless." I had been feeling so under the weather about the present state of the world, my military service, my military fellows, Laura's brother Carlos who has been put on standby to be sent to Iraq. I wanted to scream and point out this evil mist that had settled over American society. I couldn't scream though, buried as I was in my own excrement.
I have been working so hard, seems like 17 hours a day, and
getting nowhere. Oppressing me is this shroud of ugliness both from
within and without, angry, nasty, vile, desperate thoughts, as I hear
Fox News in the background, parroting cheerful messages of war and
how liberals are undermining America. Hello, people?! We're at fucking WAR. You're prisoners in your OWN homes! And your government thinks you're all criminals and wants to SPY on all of you! Liberals are doing what again?!
I toil for clients that don't pay, put up with ingrates, degenerates, and malcontents, while I hear Bush's administration's "stop loss" shenanigans, designed as a back door draft, whose purpose is to keep in harm's way those that have already sacrificed so much. Bush is taking advantage of the faithful service of thousands of Americans pressing them into involuntary servitude beyond their enlistment contracts, beyond their retirement, beyond any measure of good faith that should have been rendered to them. This comes from a man who did everything he could to avoid military service himself, who never sacrificed, who didn't do shit. Look! daddy set me up in a cool airplane! Chicks dig pilots. Do you think, Mr. President that chicks dig disabled veterans? Of course you don't Mr. President, despite what you've read in Penthouse.
Does it make me feel powerless in the face of this evil dictator who acts like he owns the country? This is our country, dammit! Bush is the CEO, we elected him to the board, but we shareholders own the thing. It's our country, but he wields it like his personal conviction with his smug little smirk and federalist totalitarian self. Midget dictator, fucking creep, smug bastard, beady eyed miscreant, bible thumping wacko, American society hostage taking fool, abuser of military service, arrogant trampler of civil rights, and big business whore.
I was asked recently if I had seen Fahrenheit 9/11. Hell, no, I responded. I've lived it! Why would I want to drag myself through that shit, something to make me feel more powerless, less significant, less valued, and a victim of a presidency gone horribly awry. Fuck that, I can get that from Fox News, and the fucking erroneous pay or die letters I get from the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) for recoupment of military service WHICH I PERFORMED! Fuckers.
There, I've let some of the ugliness out, exorcised some of my demons. Whew, it felt good. You know what. If I were ever on Inside the Actor's Studio (which I won't be), FUCK would be my favorite expletive... there's such a nice draining feeling to it, like a good satisfying puss-filled pimple pop.
I think I'll go sit next to Laura and see if she'll put up with me now.